Australia Panic

Have you ever listen to a song, and fully understand its meaning?

Just only less than 3 weeks, i already had a super busy schedule ahdead of me. All my fridays are already booked, all my weekends are already booked. And not to mention, after work, it will be CNY and preparation to go back to perth. This coming weekend, i will be going to Batam with my parents for a getaway. Sounded exciting but i think i will spend most of the time stone. Gazing at the sky wonders what is going on with me. I wonder is that a good thing or bad. Maybe is better to keep myself occupied with games or work to stop myself from procrastinating.

This holiday is never enjoyable for me. First is work, i just realise that i have to scarifice time with friends for work. It is really painful for me, and in some way hard to accept. 2nd, is the decisions i make. I learn something that when you like someone, you have to do something for her, not just staying in the limelight and praying for her happinness. This decision had in fact bring me much pain than joy. I never know that trying is so difficult, and so hopeless.

i never manage went go KTV before the exam. But i try to be get myself free for it. Got a small function this friday at KPMG for interns that i wanted to attend. But i think i should be able to make it after that. Sometimes is better to sing, let out the words that are trapped inside and convert it to a song. That is one of the things that heal me when i was in army. Even is quite expensive, I still like to go for one. Thats y the best is to go out in grps of 4. There will be plenty of chances to sing, especially the songs you like.

Actually i just woke up not long ago. I only slept 1 hour for the previous night thanks to my addiction to a book called Warcraft: The Last Guardian. It is one of the novels in the archive. "4 in one" book. Got 4 novels inside this archive. Is really interesting for me, since i do really like the stories and plots in warcraft. Haha, after the exam, i finally have time to read some books before the semester back.

I got a nightmare just now i slept. I dreamt that i was put into Detention Baracks (Military Prison) for lobo-ing too much in army. Sometimes dreams can be funny, even it is not much of a possibility, i really did dream that i got punish for that. But the main point is that, I cried so much that my eyes are all red until i woke up by a call by WQ. I was so worried about my future that i broke down in the dream. Haha, ironically she was there inside the dream too. Thanks to WQ, who jio me for dota, i am able to escape from it.

Last March, I still remember i wrote this song here, i do not understand the last sentence of the lyrics of this song. This song had always been really precious to me, it fully interpret what i felt, and tell me what i should do. In fact, for the past whole year, this song has been guiding me, encourage me what i should do. Yet, i am unable to understand the meaning of the last sentence, until now.

李克勤 - 谁愿分手

是我故意用无心的话
针针刺痛着你谁又察觉在我的心里颤抖
是我故意如冰一样来令你难受
明明是爱你又要疏远你谁人不想拥有

如到一天当我走明白你难受
留恋只多添痛苦仍然必须分手
惟有忍心迫你走从没有忘旧
谁可知今天有多久来让我心灵内疚

又再说背着良心的话可知我也受够
曾为你我独个於漆黑中颤抖
伪说你我是全不适合才是最难受
完全是骗你为了深爱你柔情不敢拥有

如到一天当我走明白你难受
留恋只多添痛苦仍然必须分手
惟有忍心迫你走从没有忘旧
谁可知今天有多久来让我心灵内疚 (Chorus x 3)

I used to plan ahead, and never ever wanted to regret anything for the things i do today. Yea, i think i am starting to regret. The pain is tremendous, this is because i have once again repeat the same old mistake. I will never forgive myself. Maybe is true when u ever love someone, in the process, you have to be selfish, and scarifice someone in expense for her. Yet i am still too kind-hearted, unable to be selfish that i once sought to be. I felt so painful because why sometimes when you do something good, nothing will goes back to you. Maybe that is donation. But even through donation, you can find happinness in it. And why even now i still unable to see it. Unable to see the light, that is suppose to be there. I felt lost.

I am thinking now how am i suppose to smile more as my resolution this year. 90% love, and 10% other stuff. That is how it is when you really love someone. Maybe i should try to find something to smile with that 10%. And with my final year coming, maybe studying is a good way to heal. Chee Yong had told me alot of things about studies and life. Thanks, I know what i should do when i go back.

No, is what i must do.

posted by Gabriel Chan @ 1:46 AM