Wednesday, May 17, 2006

falling behind..

Its beeen one week since i had blogged. I found myself finally "breaking down." For the past few weeks, I have been wondering what had happened to me. But after I had read Aidan's blog, I got a slight idea what is going on. I had been neglecting my homework, puting my pirorities aside. Everynow and then, I will waste my time on anime, games, majong and sleep.

In a way, I am not regreting over what I did because in the first place, I don't even want to focus on my pirorties. I guess this is party because of the reason that I am despising myself. I grew weary of life and unable to concentrate on what is important to me. I find life gradually become meaningless. To speak the truth, I don't really have much breakthrough and success in life. I got tired at trying hard, or trying my best. Sometimes even you put 100% effort in whatever you do, things will not turn out what you wanted. That is when disappointment set in and dragged you down. I guess it had finally reached the level where I am breaking down.

Talk about god, the plans for me, the road that he lay for me. People always tell me that he will give the best to you if you believe in him. I do believe in god, and the great plans that he had for me. But why this road is filled with pain and disapointment. Is he tryng to make me grow stronger and be more prepared in life? Yet on the other hand, why this pain had made me grow weaker and less faithful in him instead. For example, great plans from god like one to let me study in Australia. However just like the saying "you reap what you sow", I have failed in my studies and end up in Australia. And worse of all, my parents had to carry the burden for me by paying my school fees in Australia. I am really disappointed with myself.

I have been asking myself alot of questions. Asking myself about god, about my pirorities. I have dreams that I wished to achieve. I know what I want to be. But is this really the correct path that I am walking on? Is this how god wants me to be? But why this path that I walk on is filled with disappointment and pain. I am seriously confused.

You are wondering how far you could ride, but you still havent find the answer yet, have you?
If you are just going to be a smiling ghost, you should ride to your heart's content instead of just staying here.
Who cares about an answer? There's nothing like that to being with.
All that matter is whether you did something to your heart's content.
- Honey and Clover

posted by Gabriel Chan @ 9:48 AM